Aarohi Vyas

After all of that, so much reluctance, avoiding the reality all this while, fooling myself, telling myself that no, I still do have hopes that I can keep up with life and myself for the better–

Still, I find myself standing at the end of the cliff, ready to end what I never started– my life.

Yes, nobody gets to start their own life. We can’t decide whether to take birth or not. We are given birth, names, status, identity and a family or a blood line that we never chose, we don’t get to decide any of that. Yet most of us spend our entire lives protecting those titles. I never understood why I am bound to live and die for an identity I never chose to begin with?

I wish– I was given a choice to decide my reality, or whether I even wanted to be born or not. However, I can decide whether I wanna continue living through this name and identity or not. Hence, here I am.   

The chilling wind hits my face, disheveling my hair even more, and a shiver runs down my whole body. The water must be really cold down there. I wonder what’ll kill me first, the cold water or the lack of oxygen? The latter one obviously. 

I have abandoned my car and hope miles behind. If anyone is out for a search, it would take them two hours to reach here if they found my car somehow. Either way, I will have to be quick, I can’t afford to lose this chance. I remove my long jacket, then my sweater, and then my boots. Something is really unsettling about this night, as it should be. Since when did the moments before taking your own life become pleasant?

Earth feels cold beneath my feet. I take two steps forward, and I look down. Nothing is much visible from here, it’s dark. The water blends with the surrounding dark, except for the faint lights reflecting on the surface of the water. That’s when I hear someone call me from behind.

“What the hell, woman? What are you doing there?!’’ 

That does it for me, I don’t wait for another second and jump off the cliff. It takes me three seconds to hit the chilling water. I was counting my last moments when I finally took my first and last flight. My body and thoughts feel one for these three seconds, both of them out of my control, going down with the gravity, my hair is all over my face, tangled like my thoughts.

The water consumes me whole. I don’t put up a fight with it, I don’t intend to. For the first few moments, it’s absolutely serene, just a little cold, it’s numbing my body and mind. Then, I feel the burn in my chest, it’s begging for a breath, greedy organ, it feels like thousands of needles are piercing inside my chest. My whole body feels like it’s on fire, my thoughts are blocked, but then slowly reality starts to slip from my mind, and I give up to the urge of sleep that consumes me.

I can see the bright light before my eyes, approaching me. I guess this is how it is supposed to end.

At the end of the tunnel, it’s warm, comfortable and peaceful, unlike inside the water. It’s in complete contrast to it. There’s no burning pain inside my body, no unwanted memories, my lungs aren’t begging for release, and I feel no pain whatsoever. 

“How long are you planning to sleep?” 

I hear a soft yet firm voice. I wonder who it is? It’s a manly voice, is it an angel? Ffft no, I don’t believe that nonsense. 

I open my eyes abruptly. A sharp pain shoots in my head, and I wince.

Where am I?

Am I still alive?

The blurred image in front of my eyes slowly clears, and I find myself in a tent, three blankets hugging me. I am surrounded by three people, two men and a woman.

“Are you alright?” the woman standing between the two men speaks. All I could do was nod. 

“How am I here?” Though I have a faint idea how, I don’t know if these people actually know that I was trying to drown myself. 

“You were drowning in the water, Kabir saved you. You were unconscious for almost five hours.” One of the men provides. I’m assuming the other one is Kabir, my saviour– at least to the world. For me? No, definitely not a saviour, I haven’t come to terms with him right now.

“Thank you”, I don’t mean it at all. If anything, I resent them for saving me. But I can’t blame them, they did what a decent human being would do. I can’t blame anyone but my destiny or circumstances. Death looked me in the eyes and turned away. How embarrassing. What should a person rejected by death do? I stop the tears threatening to spill. I fiddle with the blanket, trying to busy myself somehow.

“Here”, she offers me a bowl of vegetable soup. I take it, I’m hungry. “I’m Ritu,” she says. “This is Kabir, and he’s my fiancé, Ankit.” The man holding her hand smiles at her before looking at me, “hi”.

“Hi”, I offer to no one in particular, and continue drinking the soup, it’s not that good, but not so bad either. One of them– Kabir, who was standing silently, observing, makes his way out of the tent. The couple settle themselves down in front of me, sitting on the ground. We all know what’s coming next. Questions that I’m not really in a position to answer honestly.

After finishing the soup, I face the couple. Ritu offers me a polite smile, and I offer one back out of formality. I avoid staring into their eyes. I feel uneasy holding eye contact for long, I don’t know the exact reason, but that’s not because I’m ashamed or insecure about myself. 

“So, what was your name again?” There you go–

Now, I have to play pretence again. 

“Aarohi, my name is Aarohi.”

“Aarohi, if you don’t mind me asking– how did you end up drowning in water, Aarohi?” Ankit inquires after Ritu nudges him on his side slightly.

“Umm… this is a little embarrassing, actually. I was trying to take a picture of the sky, then I stepped too close to the edge of the cliff to capture the view and ended up losing my balance after I heard something or someone so loud.” I immediately make a lie on the spot. 

They look a little sceptical about it, but buy the excuse anyway. “Strangely, we didn’t hear any scream.” Ritu amuses.

“I was too startled to gouge out any reaction.” I provide.

“Understandable. Are you here as a tourist? Why don’t you join us?” She offers.

“What are you saying, Ritu? She must be here with her family or friends, right?” He regards me with a curious look.

“No, I’m on a solo tour.”

“It’s perfect then, you can join us. I would love to have a female company, I’m done being the only woman with a not-so-fun male herd.” Ritu retorts. The idea isn’t that bad, to be honest, and I don’t know where I should go next, especially home. But neither can I put my whole trust in these people, or risk being spotted by anyone. 

“Alright”, I nod at them with an excited smile, trying my best to look interested.